TEFL: Preparing for China

For a lot of my adult life, I have flittered about, going from job to job, location to location and never settling down, whether it's my own intentions or otherwise. As I've parroted many times, life for me is about experience; it's about living unconventionally and I certainly don't care for a dead end job and living in perpetual misery as a result. And I'm not going to cave in to societal pressure to procreate with a long term partner in a monogamous relationship and get married (although, perhaps I would for visa purposes). So whether or not I'll continue to flitter about for the rest of my life will remain to be seen. I'm 28 years old and I still want to enjoy myself whilst I'm still young, instead of at a time in life when my health will have deteriorated; when I'm too damn old and it'll be a struggle to wipe my own arse. If people want to settle down and work hard during their youthful years, and want to wait until retirement to truly appreciate life, then each to their own. I don't.

Now I can get off from my soap box and type about something new and exciting - me flittering off to China to teach English. I've read a long time ago that one of the best options to travel is to teach English on the side. Money isn't going to accumulate if one doesn't work for it, and we live in a world where one has to purchase papers to obtain permission to cross over an imaginary line to another country. Oh, to be a bird and be able to migrate without boundaries created by man.

Having done a little stint teaching English in India a few years ago (when I was green and inexperienced), I thought that I may as well give this a shot and so enrolled myself into a 140 hours TEFL course  - 120 hours online and 20 hours in a classroom.  I took my time with it and finally passed and received my certificate in May. It's a relatively easy course and successfully completing it by no means makes me a qualified and professional teacher, but I've acquired knowledge on the methodology of teaching at least. If only I had the same knowledge on the methodology of teaching as well as grammar, as I do now, back in India. I despair at my past ignorance and failings.

Since passing, I started work at the Sealife Centre as a photography and sales assistant, wanting to put some money (it's a necessary evil after all, isn't it?) aside before I start applying for teaching positions. Heading to Asia is a preference of mine and I initially thought that it would be impossible for me to teach in China due to not having a BA, which many (legit) schools require.

Since then, I've done my homework and I've found out that it isn't actually government law that requires an "alien" to have a university degree, rather, it's a guideline established by State Administration for Foreign Expert Affairs (SAFEA) who state that, "The foreign educational expert should hold a minimum of a bachelor's degree and more than two years of experience."

Notice the modal verb "should". It's a word commonly used for advice or recommendations (You should get a haircut, Terry. You should settle down, Terry. You should have another drink, Terry. Only one of those advice I'd follow. Guess which one?) and doesn't necessarily mean that one needs to adhere to it. Surely must  would have been the modal verb used if it was an actual obligation? Besides, the SAFEA guideline is just that: a guideline. It's the employer's discretion whether or not they enforce it. Basically, guidelines are not laws.

Anyway, a friend who attended the same classroom part of the course as me gave my Facebook contact to a recruiter from an agency that specialises in teaching jobs for TEFL/ESL teachers. She contacted me and wanted to put me in contact with a school called First Leap who would have had me working in one of their schools in China on a business visa. Alarm bells went off in my head and the skeptical in me done some research and found out that would have been completely illegal (hence my research into visas in general), so, nach, I declined.

The recruiter then got an assistant Director of Studies (DOS) from English First in Xi'an to email me after I looked over the job description and said I'd be willing to have an interview. I made sure to ask the DOS about the visa and researched English First too and was reassured that it's a legit school. The interview went well and I was offered a position!

In the time that's past, I have been gradually buying things I feel I need or that'll help. It took a while, but I have also now obtained my visa (speaking of visas: since the referendum resulted in brexit, there has been speculation that we, as UK citizens no longer a part of the EU, will have to pay to visit EU countries. No longer would we be able to hop on the plane spontaneously and have a binge drinking weekend in Ibiza or go to part in Prague, nope, we'd have to apply, pay and wait for approval. And what has people's response been? "Oh well, I don't mind having to pay a score," to paraphrase nonchalant brexit voters has been the gist of it. Ha! Do these brexiters really think that EU embassies will only charge us a score to enter? Us to whom they now show resentment towards? Mate, I had to pay £180 [working visa, mind you] for the privilege to enter China and I don't think UK government have done anything to piss them off in recent years, so I can only despair at the potential extortionate prices EU countries will charge after giving them the proverbial middle finger. Then there's the waiting times. The filling out numerous forms. Visas are a fucking ball ache is what I'm getting at here. Let's hope that it's just post brexit scaremongering. Shit, I'm on my soapbox again, aren't I?).

So now I'm just counting down the days, visiting family, having farewell drinks, learning a bit of Mandarin and getting reaquainted with chopsticks. I'll update this blog once I get to China and settle down over there. Let's hope that things pan out better for me this time and it'll be a good year!

What Is The Point?

Recently, my train of thoughts seem to be heading towards Nihilism station and I am at a conflict whether I should step off and stay there. The pessimist in me keeps asking me what's the point? Why keep advocating what you deem to be positive change? You realise that your are but one of hundreds of thousands unheard voices, right? I'm somewhat inclined to agree with my pessimist self, although “unheard voice” might not be entirely accurate; we're heard all right, it's just that our voices are callously shrugged off and ignored.

Indeed, what is the point then? The countless debates, discussions and arguments I have been in either conclude in ad hominem attacks or we arrive at an impasse – neither of us convincing one another that our political beliefs or ideologies are the “right” ones. There is no right or wrong or global truth; we all just like to project our ideals onto a baseless world and shout over one another until we are blue in the face. Many hours just wasted, albeit stimulating I suppose. But I don't go into debates just for the sheer pleasure, you know. 

So what is the point? Almost every day there are terrible conflicts happening and caring, compassionate people march in their thousands in protest just for a brief mention in parliament, before Prime Sinister et al decide that their plan of action is the best solution for resolving such conflicts. And so bombs are dropped in retaliation, homes are destroyed, communities are torn asunder and innocent lives are extinguished. Ah well, that's collateral damage for you, isn't it? Except when such barbarism happens on English soil, then it's called “Terrorism”.

Utterly pointless, isn't it? I am but one of many “loony lefties” opposing the rising right wing rhetoric of “Muslims and refugees are bad” (to paraphrase) that seems to be sweeping this island at the moment. “Britain is for the British so put us first!” they vacuously shout holding banners, flags and crosses. “This is a christian country!” Is it? Do pagans ring a bell? Druids? Surely Britain is a secular country nowadays? Or it should very well be. No matter how many umpteenth times one exposes the right wing group's bigotry, hypocrisies, racism etc, it just goes over their heads as it's all deep rooted in their personality. So accusations are flung that either of us are being brainwashed by leftwing/rightwing media propaganda and that is it. We get on with our lives despising one another.

Is there any point? There are far more compassionate and motivated people than I, and they are just another voice that gets drowned out by all of the self-congratulatory governments and their wealthy friends. Not long ago, I squatted with some anarchists on a farm who just want to live outside the system that's imposed upon us all since our birth. Despite their peaceful and compassionate way of living, the system - who manifested itself into a local wealthy man – seeks to force them out of the unused and technically unowned land for business purposes. I lasted a week with these brilliant individuals while they, as far as I'm concerned, are still fighting the man so they can live out their anarchistic lives. Money will probably prevail though.

Pointlessly wasting time, aren't I? Determination is never enough for me. I was determined to be educated; to seek enlightenment; to take up humanitarian causes, but my determination whittled away when I was pushed out of the door being told I wasn't good enough. Determination and compassion isn't enough. For all of my talk of travel, I spend most of my days in my room when I'm not working some drudgery job. There are many bona fide nomads and vagabonds out there, travelling the earth on pittance while I lack the courage to do so. And if I do travel for the rest of my life, what will it be for? What is the point of experiencing when once we're dead, our experiences and recollections die with us? My memory may live on with family, but only for a few generations will my stories be told before I will be forgotten, just as my great, great, great grandparents are. Nothing of what I do will be immortalised because I, like most, will not do anything significant and noteworthy in my short time on this planet.

Being born on this planet was pointless, wasn't it? Oh, Earth is beautiful for sure, but it has been ravaged by humanity and has been divided between us all because of the concept of borders and countries. The planet has been imposed arbitrarily invisible lines dotted across its surface and are kept there by jingoism, patriotism and nationalism. Such concepts have led and still do lead to war because a government claims a bit of soil as their and their people's own. Not only do borders cause tension, but so does difference of ideologies and religious beliefs. Advancements in technology also means more dangerous technology and there's been fear of nuclear war for some time now. With current tensions as they are, we could very well see armageddon in the future. And you know what? Good. That's what humanity needs. I will stand looking out towards the horizon, a mushroom cloud and with my arms open wide, embrace the shock wave that will come my way. We are the fucking cancer of Earth...

Pointlessly rabbling on now, aren't I? We are over 7 billion people on this planet; 7 billion individual thoughts; 7 billion opinions. I can't change diddly squat for as long as there is an "us and them" mentality. What right do I have to change people's minds and to call for drastic changes when the majority seem content with how things are, anyway? That's right, for all of people's vilification of the devastating wars that happen, they will soon condone disgraceful actions if it fits in with their world view. Humanity is one contradictory mess and we are seemingly OK with that. A part of me wants to resign to the fact that I shall make no difference and any determination to do so is futile. Well, it has been so far.

What does any of it matter anyway? All of what we do; our existence is but a flicker in a day of the live of a star.    

Farvel Tvind!

Man, it's been some time since I have typed anything on this blog. My reason is simply timing; I wanted closure on my future at Tvind and its DNS course and now that I have it, I can finally close this chapter of my life. Just to note: this is all purely from my perspective (duh), and so expect it to be quite biased. I did try and be as objective as possible in my previous blog post, but it's bloody hard to be. Trust me. It's a fairly long read, so grab a cup of tea or whatever your favourite choice of beverage is.

Speaking of my previous blog post, I said I would elaborate on "other factors" regarding the decision to let me go. I stand to be corrected here, but I think my time spent at Tvind over Christmas had a lot to do with the decision. For the most part, I was fine. A few of my teammates were also at Tvind (two of them had to work and take care of those with special needs), and another was also just there to visit over the christmas period. We spent a considerable amount of time together; we played games, had many teas, sat around and conversed, cooked and ate together. I also helped out by driving us to the shops and also driving us to a nearby town for a little outing. Again, for the most it was pleasant bar one or two days.

It shouldn't really come as a surprise, but as it was Christmas time and I was far away from friends and family and so I felt a bit depressed; I missed them. Shoot me, I'm human. One day, I didn't particularly feel like socialising (my way of dealing with my problems, unfortunately), so stayed in my room all morning, although a teammate did drop by and played a videogame with me for a while so I wasn't that bad. I also decided to go and explore the vicinity of tvind as it's surrounded by a lovely forestry area which looked stunning in the snow; I took my ukulele and camera and had some quality alone time in the tranquility of nature. Oh! How concerning! I suppose I should have informed my teammates of what I was up to to to avoid any unnecessary worry. I think it was that evening when we were playing some games with a few students from PTG and I felt tired and thus didn't speak much (a common symptom of tiredness I'm sure you'll agree), and went to bed early - much to everybody's worry.

So that was the more pleasant days, but there is one other thing which almost skipped my mind: I agreed to look after a student over christmas. Certainly, in hindsight it was a rushed decision and I took no time to think about what I was getting myself in to. I'm much like a fucking "yes man", I swear. The first time I met this student, he actually seemed quite, how can I put this, "normal" I guess? You knew something was up with him, but, initially, he actually seemed harmless enough. But very quickly, I found him to be extremely exasperating and quite dangerous! He had extremely distressed one student by talking about "gangster shit" to her which resulted him in being banned from entering her house again. He had got in to a fight with another student and, unsurprisingly, they all took a dislike to him. I also found out he had purposely put himself in prison (attempting shop burglary if I recall correctly?), prior to coming to Tvind as he was paranoid about being chased by gangsters. He also frequently talked about large scale drug deals and killing people. In case it isn't obvious, he suffers from paranoid schizophrenia.

Now my dear reader, I hope you'll agree that I am in no way cut out to look after such an individual. In fact, no student there would be - professionally speaking. My team mate who was also tasked with taking care of him reacted to the student inappropriately one time  which almost resulted in a fight between the two in a students house! In my opinion, the student needs professional help rather than being put under the care of inexperienced and unqualified students. In the real world, this would not happen. People spend many years learning about such conditions and how to deal with individuals that have them - not just get lumbered with them and say, "Here, take care of this troubled person for us!" It was my fault for agreeing to do it in the first place, but just to reiterate, I had no idea what I was getting myself in to. It had only became apparent during the course of the next few days.

By time it was drawing nearer to me and my team mate to go with this student to another location and take care of him, I felt it was too late to do a u-turn on my agreement. By now, plans were in action and many were depending on me and I guess I didn't want to let people down, much to my own mental distress. In hindsight, I should have just been vocal about my reluctance to take care of this student and my reasons for being so. But I didn't. Instead, I kept my reluctance bottled up and it ate away at me. That's when a certain individual that I'll call Lady J came in (who is quite pivotal to this story you'll find out. I'm convinced many decisions were made thanks to her. I stand to be corrected though).

She was in charge of the plans surrounding us and the student and called to meet with us. I wasn't feeling particularly good - both physically and mentally - and didn't look it either. I was tired and still feeling glum about not spending the festive period with loved ones as well as dreading spending time with this student. Lady J could tell I didn't want to go and that's when I finally admitted it. I was in the room with her for a whole few minutes before I was dismissed - just bear this in mind. I think it was then I planned to head back to Nordjylland. I spent one more evening at Tvind and told my team mates I'd be heading back to my placement. The following morning, I did go to say goodbye to them, but saw the curtains were still drawn and so opted to not disturb the girls - again, much to their worry.

So, that was how I spent my christmas. Joyful, eh? I'll admit, perhaps if I had been honest about my feelings, there wouldn't have been much issue. Hindsight is a fine thing, eh? So make of it all what you will. It was over 8 months ago now, so perhaps my memory is a wee bit hazy, but that's how I recall the events that took place. If any of my team mates and teacher read this, I hope you get a somewhat better understanding on what went on. Also, feel free to have your input. I'm all for open discussion and transparency. Anyway, it doesn't end here. And oh, things may have changed since my departure, but the aforementioned student I talked about was in the process of being moved elsewhere - a place where he could be looked after by professionals as he was deemed "too much".

It's now you may want to finish reading the rest of my previous blog to bring you up to speed. Read it? Good. So I came back to Tvind with all of my belongings as well as worry for my future. What was I going to do? I had no money, no job lined up, no room to stay. I had sold a lot of my possessions prior to coming (which went towards my enrollment fee. What a fucking waste, huh?) and my family aren't in the best financial situation themselves. After I was told I was going to be disenrolled, it made me feel like shit. But there was some hope in the form of my team mates. We had bonded quite well and they too weren't happy with this decision that none of us had a say in, and they encouraged me to make a stand and convince the teachers council to let me stay. So I did.

I delayed things by pleading for a meeting between us all (which a certain member of the council seemed very reluctant about). During this time, as well as planning on what points we would put across and share our opinions on, well, me, I also offered to help out where I can (the winter concert was coming up so it was a busy period with a lot of work to be done). After all, I didn't want to freeload and I wanted to show how committed to the course I was. Thanks to my team mates, I felt rejuvenated and had some willpower instilled within me. Not only offering my labour, I also participated in playing sports (anyone who knows me well knows I hate most sports, although I did start to enjoy playing badminton and volleyball) and I refrained from being alone.

We had skype call with teammates who weren't in tvind and who also disagreed with the teachers council's decision. As the meeting drew near, it was then something absolutely ludicrous happened! Lady J had called to meet up with my teammates who worked at the villas. Now bear in mind I am only stating what my teammates told me shortly after this meeting. I wasn't there myself but I trust what they say is true - although I wish it wasn't. This meeting that lady J called was specifically to slander me it turned out. She went on a hysterical tirade about how I was a danger to the students and I should be kept away from them and the villas at all cost, and then she went on some damn right absurd paranoid rambling about me maliciously dividing and manipulating my teammates turn them against the teachers council! Seriously! And I'm the fucking crazy one, apparently! She also said she wanted me gone and was sick of me hanging around wanting meetings when they had already made up their minds. As I said, it sounds unbelievable but all three of my teammates that witnessed this slander were so shocked by her statements I could see it on their faces. It was true all right. As I said earlier, I had only spent a few minutes with this woman and this is what she deduced about me? In a moment of weakness and feeling glum, she has concluded that I am a malicious sociopathic human being. Thankfully, Tvind is a place made up of people whose philosophy is to "question everything". Oh.

At this point, I felt our stand was going to be futile. Lady J was evidently pissed off about this upcoming meeting and another member of the council sighed when I told her I wanted one with my teammates present. I knew deep down I was delaying the inevitable. Lady J is in a position high up on the hierarchy where she probably has a say in a lot of decisions (and if so, it's quite scary isn't it?). But my teammates were really determined to try and convince them there's nowt wrong with me and I could meet their "demands" and "standards" if they just give me the time to show them and improve. I should note that my teacher was away when all this was going on so I have no idea what he thought about of all this or if he even knew about what was going on. I'll just say he seemed unusually callous when he and a council member told me I had to leave. 'Tis a shame really.

So it was time for the meeting. All of my teammates that were present at Tvind came along for this showdown. I remember feeling extremely nervous and rightly so as I was going to have to convince them to let me stay while simultaneously getting my ego and personality a good scrutinising. It was a gruelling meeting as you might imagine. Emotions were running sky high and we put across points we had carefully thought about (practically similar to what I've wrote on this blog post and my previous post too), only for the council members to counter that I was not going to be able to meet the strenuous demands of the course. None of these members got to know me personally (in fact, this was probably the longest I had ever spoken to any of them); any information they have received about me is all second or third hand and, if Lady J has had anything to do with their decisions, just outright lies!

I remember one of them raising her voice at me when I disagreed with something that my previous boss had told them over a skype call. "Don't bring in somebody who isn't here to defend herself!" she snapped at me. Double standards at play here, surely?  Oh, people can talk about me behind my back; discuss my behavior, what I have or haven't done wrong and whatnot without me being present to defend myself, but she'll be damned if I dare to disagree with what was said. Oh! How audacious of me! Her reasoning was that she would rather believe the words of a long time friend than me. Thank fuck she isn't a detective, eh?! So that was quickly nipped in the bud.

The meeting didn't end conclusively which was actually a surprise. I thought there and then they would have told me that I had to leave, but thankfully, they wanted to mull it over and discuss my situation with other members and even TG? Not sure.

So it gave me some more time to spend with my teammates as well as grafting hard to show my commitment. The inevitable was still being delayed I felt. I knew what the outcome was going to be and I think my teammates knew too, but we got to have some fun anyway and it made everyone think about what it really means to be a tvind student and whether there is any truth to the controversies and criticism that surrounds the place. Yeah, it got us all thinking all right. Students of past and present talk about hypocrisies (namely the "frames"), the transparency of the economy and whether or not we are used as cheap/free labour for profit...anyway, I digress.

Eventually, a second meeting was called that would be the one to conclude this "annoyance" I imagine Lady J to call me and this situation. And so it was concluded that I was not going to meet the demands of the DNS course yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, same shit said just in a different room by different people. Apparently, it took them a few days to come up with this conclusion. They could have nipped this annoyance in the bud with the aforementioned meeting to be honest. I knew it was coming. So their conclusion broke me. I don't think I had it in me to argue anymore. I gave up. If you're confused as to why they made this decision, then join the club. I'm to this day still completely perplexed with my treatment.

I did ask if I could at least stay for the winter concert that I was helping to set up. "No," one of them callously replied. They wanted me gone and they wanted me out pronto. I left the room teary eyed as did some of my teammates. We sat outside for some time. First in silence and then they started voicing their discontent, but it didn't matter. None of our opinions mattered. Only the teachers council do. Tears were shed and we shared hugs. Ami gave me her friendship bracelet  that she made which I still cherish.

A flight was booked for me and I was given, a courtesy lift to the airport and £50 to help me get by. How thoughtful. But still, I was grateful as it would pay for some food and the bus fare home so I wouldn't have to hitch-hike late at night. My teammates and teacher gave me plenty of hugs and waved me off and that will be the last I see of that windmill.

So...7 months later give or take and here I am, still in Blighty. I haven't enjoyed being back if I'm completely honest. Last year, I had anticipated four years of: adventure, travel, studying, enlightenment, new friendships, work, education, humanitarian work and personal growth and development. I wanted the DNS course to be an opportunity for the humanist in me to shine through. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be a teacher or not (certainly not a conventional one anyway!), I just wanted an unconventional education and I yearned for a good experience if nothing else. Now, I'm just back to slaving away for money. The rat race sure is fucking perpetual! During my time back, I was still passionate about returning; I was wanting to finish what I started and prove those pen pushers wrong, but more importantly, return because I still believed the course was good for me. That's changed now, however...

I kept in contact with some of my former teammates. They still wanted to help and they too still wanted me back. They gave me some good advice and I took heed. I visited my GP who gave me some anti-depressants (have a problem? have a pill), I got myself an enjoyable job, I went out regularly and took up more hobbies. After a few months, I decided to message my former teacher about whether I still have a future at Tvind or not (probably something we should have done before my departure, but, oh well). Still to this day, he hasn't replied. It was that lack of communication that made me think if it was really worth pursuing a future at Tvind.

My yearn for returning starting fizzling out and I didn't converse with my former teammates as much as I used to. Got to move on I guess. It's been some time now since all that fiasco. Last month, I did once again ponder whether I'd return or not. The cons were now outweighing the pros now I felt, but still, there was a little spark within me that was yearning for me to go back or at the very least, finally get some closure. I mean, I have spent money and time at that place, the least somebody, anybody there can do is give me the common courtesy of replying to me. So I sent an email last month (not sure who it goes to, but figure it'd at least get forwarded to someone who can handle this situation. It seemed my teacher wasn't going to bother with me anymore and I hate being shunned like that, especially when I was told I could come back once I "worked out my issues" - whatever that means? Who gets to decide exactly whether I've worked them out or not? Who decides if me feeling glum is an issue in the first place? Why doesn't the bloody council members speak to me like a human being and ask me these things?), hoping I could finally get some closure. I'll just go ahead and print screen my initial email, the response and my reply:

 That was last month and now, finally, last night after I was out for a few drinks, I came home to this heartfelt (I'm sure you'll agree) elaborative reply.

Nach, I was a bit pissy (and pissed!) in my response, I'll admit. After all this time with no communication, this is the what they deduce? That I still wouldn't be able to live up to their demands. I wonder what was thoroughly discussed in this meeting? Hmm....

"Oh, that British man,  erm, Terry wants to come back."
"Oh yeah? Well, what has he been up to? Has anybody spoken with him recently? Kept in contact or anything?"
"Nope."
"Well, let's se..." council member gets cut off by Lady J
"He's a psychopath and he is not welcome back!"
"OK. I see no reason to dispute this. Is there somebody who can be arsed to let him know he can't join the 2016 team?"
There's a long silence. Most are busy checking their phones or pretending to anyway. Perhaps one kind soul takes a plunge and dares question the slander, I mean truth.
"Well, surely we can ask him to visit us in the near future and talk with him in person and assess him? I mean, aren't we just jumping to conclusions if we don't at least communicate with him? We could even stalk him on Facebook or something? I dunno, we can't just..." kind soul gets silenced with a bullet in the head.
"So, is there anybody who is going to make the man feel like he is not welcome back or not? 
"OK, OK, OK. Fine, I'll do it then. Heh, the poor sucker might get silly hopeful notions of coming back if not and won't leave us alone. Somebody remind me to do it though. I'm going to be busy sitting around on my arse clicking my pen." And then a few weeks roll by
"Oh, did you send that, whatshisname an email? The British man?"
"Shit. No. I suppose I'll quickly send him one now before dinner."
"Well, do hurry otherwise we won't get our favourite seat in the canteen!"

(This is all just tongue-in-cheek. I'm sure they had a thorough discussion all right - it clearly shows in her email to me)

So sod trying to convince them otherwise now. I'm done. Baffled by it all? Yeah me too. Feel free to read my blogs from the very beginning and tell me where I went wrong. I have documented almost everything during my time within the DNS course, so perhaps someone can elaborate and present me with something clearer other than, "you do not meet our demands". Of course, there has been times where I have found work demanding (which I've already wrote about in previous posts), but so what? Ah, that reminds me...

I neglected to mention, that I haven't been the only one internal struggles on the course. During my time, some teammates also had to change jobs due to stress and being, I guess, incapable. What do they expect? They're throwing inexperienced students into the deep end hoping they just fucking swim. Of course issues will occur. I was told during the prep weekend that they thrive on issues and challenges. Well, I beg to differ. Anyway, even students from other teams have suffered under pressure and caved in to demands, yet are still on the course. Call me paranoid, but it seems there's another reason that is unbeknownst to me. Why am I being alienated here and not others who I'd argue are at least equally stressed as I was? Those who equally struggled and had issues? Yeah, maybe someone has it in for me. Honestly, fuck if I know. There's no point dwelling upon it anymore. My fate there has been decided. Much like I'm told god moves in mysterious ways, so too do the teachers council at Tvind.  

No doubt I'll get called a disgruntled former student hence my negative feelings of the place and they'll tell people not to read this/don't take it seriously much like any other stories or criticism of the place. For the record, I enjoyed most of my time there. I did learn new things and I felt I did develop myself. It was genuinely a pleasure to meet many like-minded students from all across the globe who share a dream to better the world; to empower people to make drastic changes to counter poverty and capitalism. I got to do things I probably would never have tried and my nerves were pushed to the limit when I stood in front of a couple of hundred people (give-or-take) to read a poem I wrote during a concert. I had many laughs, as well as many problems and challenges to deal with; there were many happy times and sad times that shaped up my whole experience there. I met some of the friendliest, caring and thoughtful people during my time there. So yeah, I enjoyed it overall.

It's unfortunate that my whole experience was short lived and it is overshadowed by events during my last month which is what these last two blog entries have focused on. It's a shame the place is, I feel, ran by corrupted people who are no better than the people they claim to be against. If they want to change the world, then I feel that they themselves and the system they have in place needs to change first.

So that's it. 'Tis the end of that chapter in my life. I would have loved for have things to work out differently or at least ended on a better note, but shit happened. As for my future, well, I'm still a humanist and I will contribute something to the world. For now, there's a community of anarchists that I have been in touch with and am considering staying with for a while or I'll set out to travel for sometime - just to mull things over and decide what my next goal in life is. Time for another fresh start and clean slate.







   

Problems, Hitch-Hiking and Farvel Nordjylland

I haven't typed much lately about what I have been up to during my saving up period, as I felt that I had summed up my work in my last article about Nordjylland. However, some things did change and I was given more responsibilities and a little more variety of tasks. Also, I'm now sad to say that I am no longer working at Nordjylland in light of my recent problems which I'll elaborate on shortly. 

Another thing I have not mentioned in a while is hitch-hiking. Fortunately for me as it started getting cold, it was decided that Nordlys would pay for my transport to Tvind and back on study weekends, so I haven't done any hitch-hiking these past few months, except from last week. That's not to say I haven't traveled by way of the thumb since I last mentioned it though. Unlike my previous articles regarding hitch-hiking, I was actually very lucky as I didn't have to wait around so long. You may recall that the first time I hitch-hiked to Nordjylland, it took me over 10 hours, but other times, it only took me around 4 hours. Some pretty interesting people picked me up along the way: a worker at a refugee center, a student studying at a film school, an enthusiastic tattoo artist and middle aged man who disregards the law on drinking and driving. I remember one time I inadvertently hitched a ride from Ulfborg to Holstebro by asking two ladies for directions to the train station, and because they didn't know where it was themselves, they offered me a ride to a bus stop then changed their mind on account that it was a very cold day, so were gracious enough to drive me to Holstebro themselves instead. It's kind hearted gestures like that that reminds me not everybody is so selfish and self-serving. 

So, back to Nordjylland. It must've been three months or so I helped Lars with the building project. Gradually he struggled with giving me tasks to do and eventually my plan was changed; I was going to be helping Ole in the workshop and carry out tasks with a couple of the students there. It seemed there wasn't much for me to do there either though, except help make yo-yos which was quite enjoyable. Another student had started by this time and I was tasked to do music with him two days a week. He's a pleasant young man with a great sense of humour I can relate to, so it was often fun having these music sessions with him. We both learnt to play a few songs together during my time with him. Initially, he was quiet and introverted, but over time he started coming out of his shell and opened up. He's very anxious around a lot of people and won't eat in front them, but I managed to get him to drink some tea and have the odd slice of apple or a piece of bread sometimes. I felt I was making headway with him and was in the process of taking him on a trip to a cosplay convention, but then, almost abruptly, I was told I would no longer be working there.

Gerda had some qualms with me and we had a meeting before I left for our study weekend. She was disappointed that I had not learnt much Danish in my time being there which is understandable. Admittingly, I did get lazy with learning Danish; Duolingo was frustrating - it was hard motivating myself to use it - and I kinda lost my incentive to learn Danish as, for the most part, I was doing practical work and when I did finally work with a student, he was happy to speak English (in fact, I think they put him with me as he was very eager to speak English with someone). So they are my justifications - hey, I didn't say they were good! No, in hindsight, I really wish I did put more time and effort in to learning Danish. I could have asked the teachers and pedagogues for help. In any case, I was determined to put my head down and learn after Gerda told me of her disappointment.

She also had other minor gripes with me. One was that I wasn't using my own initiative much and not communicating with the teachers. The latter is fair enough as I am generally a quiet person, but it is also due to the fact that I couldn't communicate with them due to the language barrier (that I guess I had put up myself by not learning!). After all, I do communicate often with my teammates for example. The former, though, I'm not sure I agree with entirely. Recently I had decided to meet with the Nordlys pedagogues and state that I would like to make changes to my daily plans so I would have a better idea of what I am to be doing and on what days; I wanted more responsibility and I was given more chores to do in the afternoons and evenings. Also, it was my idea to take the student out for a trip as I thought it would be really beneficial to his development and had wrote down a concrete plan and budget for it. Also, I put together a "hygge" club Thursdays where the students can mingle, play music or draw together. It wasn't entirely successful though (only one night more than two students bothered to turn up), but it was still something. Too little too late, I guess. 

So after talking with Gerda about these problems, I was determined to do better. After all, I enjoyed working there and felt I had bonded with quite a few of the students. OK, I wasn't integral to all of their developments, but I'm not a pedagogue. I'm inexperienced in this field of work and I'm a student myself. Of course they wouldn't go to me to talk about their problems as that's what the pedagogues are there for. As one of the pedagogues recently said to me, I was just a helping hand. I was simply doing what asked of me on the plans made for me. No more or less than what previous DNSers done who were sent there. Gerda was happy to let me continue to work there and show improvements, but she had changed her mind as Michael informed me that I would no longer be working there during my study weekend, which was sad and surprising to hear. 

Of course, to state the obvious, this is all from my perspective. It's hard to be objective but now I'll try. Recently, as some of you may recall, I had told people that I may have a mild mental condition - a mood disorder called Dysthymia (note, it is a self diagnosis at this time as I can relate to some of the symptoms. A visit to a doctor is in order, pronto!). This means that sometimes, I have a low drive, low energy, I don't feel like socialising sometimes and I have problems getting to sleep. There are other symptoms such as feeling sad and having low self-esteem, but I don't feel depressed or feel like shit. Anyway, you can read more about it here. We all feel down and not very socialable sometimes, it's just that I may feel like that a little more than the average person. I just want to clarify and reiterate as some people misunderstand, I do not feel depressed nor suicidal or anything. I'm not stressed out nor am I on the verge of some mental breakdown. I just have infrequent days where I just don't have any energy or feel responsive. Most days, I am fine and feeling productive. 

I admit that having such a condition may mean that I am not suitable for such a job where I live with students with their own problems and have to work with them. Especially when they are concerned for me themselves as I guess I have been noticeably "down" sometimes. Whether it has been a great hindrance to my work at Nordjylland or not, I can't say. But if a lot of people are concerned about me, then perhaps I am underestimating how bad I am sometimes. I can only recall a few times where I feel this condition had affected me; one of the times was what compelled me to speak about this problem in the first place, as I didn't want people to be upset with me should they feel I'm being "off" with them. Sometimes, I did go to my room to be alone, but that's natural, no? I was there 24/7 (remember I lived and worked there) and need to cherish solitude every now and then. Unlike the teachers and pedagogues who work there, I have nowhere to go to blow off steam or go and relax and have undisturbed rest. I imagine most people would feel the urge to go to their rooms from time to time too. It's easy for people there to notice me being "down" because I have nowhere else to go to be "down". That's why, I think, it seemed apparent and perhaps frequent. My work colleagues could go back to their own sanctuary, away from Nordlys to be sad, angry, irritated or whatever and no one would be any the wiser - I couldn't. If I had a bad day, everybody would know it. Anyway, most times, I was just genuinely tired or just wanted to go and watch some shit on youtube in my room. Nothing more. 

Another thing that no doubt attributed to me feeling "down" was the fact I felt really lonely. Sure, there were students and pedagogues that I could talk and have fun with, but it's for work. It's a more professional kind of friendships I guess. Not to say that I didn't genuinely enjoy their company, but they were there to work first and foremost. I went out a couple of times with a few of the pedagogues, but it wasn't enough. I needed more of a social life as that was what I was missing and yearning for the most. I just needed a friend or something. I had told practically everyone about my feeling of loneliness and it was decided that they would bring another DNS student to work there too. And they finally did - now that I've left. I just hope they still plan to have two DNS students working as I imagine Marina will soon feel the same loneliness as I did. She's certainly concerned about it.

So, yeah, it was a slap in the face being told that I would no longer be working at Nordjylland during a time I felt I was beginning to make some impact there. At least potential impact anyway. Again, too little too late. No matter, Michael said I could stay at Tvind and work while we come up with some solutions to deal with my problem. Priority is seeking professional help and he seemed adamant I could get it here. My lovely teammates and friends were supportive of this idea. Then the following day, a punch in the face came - it was decided that, actually, I would no longer be a part of the DNS 2015 team. It wasn't made just because of my work in Nordjylland, there are other factors which I'll write about soon. I'm still trying to absorb it all in to be honest. 

After what was otherwise a great study weekend of meeting two new teammates - Marina and Andre, partying like nerds and doing a lot of promotional work, my next priority was going back to Nordjylland to get my things. Marina, who I guess would have being working alongside me, was now going to replace me so we agreed to hitch-hike together there. I wasn't feeling too enthusiastic about hitch-hiking as it was cold, wet and windy, but it was nice to be in the company of a bubbly, energetic girl who I figured would make it fun. It was Marina's first time hitch-hiking as well, so she was excited and a bit nervous too. 

We were dropped off in Ulfborg and walked to main road just outside of the village. We didn't wait for too long before a driver stopped - a Polish paramedic who had been living and working in Denmark for 7 years if I recall correctly. Usual questions were asked of where we are from, what are we doing, where are we going etc etc. Such questions are to be expected every time from curious drivers. He drove us a little further than where he wanted to go and dropped us off on the outskirts of Holstebro. 

It was at this time it started to rain, but it didn't break our spirits. We were busy singing, laughing and mocking each others accents to worry about getting a bit wet. Our initial place to hold our sign and stick out our thumbs seemed to be a bad spot, so we eventually walked further down the road where there were no more turns for drivers to use the gestural excuse of having to turn off down the road. 'twas a good strategy we thought. Just past some traffic lights to boot so we could stare them in the eyes and make them feel guilty for not picking us up. "Please sirs and madams, I need to go home. My children - they are dying. I may never see them again," I joked in some shit eastern european accent as they would drive past, of course not hearing me at all. Hitch-hiking with another person makes for some sillyness to pass the time though.

After waiting for about 20 minutes, an English teacher who was nearing her maternity leave picked us up. As somebody who has hitch-hiked herself, she naturally feels compelled to stop and pick up one up if she should see one. Often it is fellow travelers, hitch-hikers, vagabonds or whatever that tend to be the most likely to stop. We were once again lucky as she was heading to our next location - Viborg - and was generous enough to go a little out of her way to drop us off just outside the city. 

To pass an otherwise dull time of waiting, I taught Marina to sing "You Are My Sunshine" and she taught me some Catalan song for children which I can't remember (sorry Marina). Another 20 minutes or so, a young woman on her way to a funeral stopped saying she can drop us about 20km away. It was a kind of detour to Aalborg and we figured it would be nice to get out of the cold for a little while and at least we would be a little closer to our destination. The young lady had hitch-hiked in England one time and shared a story of how she was offered a lift by some lecherous old bloke who expected sexual favours from her. 

The lady dropped us off at a small roundabout giving us directions to where we should head next. By this time, we were hungry and Marina had brought some bread with her. As she began to rummage through her bag, an old man stopped in his old van. He couldn't speak a word of English but gestured us to come in anyway. Perhaps stupid on our part as we couldn't tell him where exactly we wanted to go. "Aalborg, Aalborg" we said as we got in and he replied something in Danish that made Marina thought he said he could drop us off 20km from Aalborg. It wasn't the case though. Instead, after about 15km, he pulled over on a road in the middle of nowhere. "Mange tuk" we said as we got out. With no clue to where we were now, we just waited patiently hoping the next driver could take us to Aalborg. As we waited, we ate some bread and some more sillyness ensued.

There were very few vehicles on this road so we joked about being stranded here and dying. But we didn't have to wait too long before someone stopped. This guy wasn't talkative, so Marina and I conversed while he just drove on silently. I think he only talked to tell us where he could drop us off - outside a city called Hobro. My hitch-hike experiences to Nordjylland never consisted of going to Hobro so I had no idea where the fuck we were now. We had taken a detour from my usual planned route. That's the thing with hitch-hiking though, plans may never go expectantly. 

It was at this point our fun journey started to become tedious. It seemed even more cold now and Marina couldn't feel her feet as we waited for fucking ages for someone to stop, but to no avail. I suggested we walk to the city and see if we can get a sense of where we are and if there's public transport we could use. We had some money on us after all. And I was hungry and thirsty too. So eventually, we gave up and walked stopping off at a supermarket on the way to get some refreshments. 

The next plan was to get a bus to Aalborg, but since we were on a road that headed to Aalborg, Marina suggested we continue to hitch-hike. I was reluctant at first as I've heard it's nigh on impossible to hitch a ride from within a city, but thought fuck it, it's worth a shot. Got nothing to lose and our spirits were back up. We waited just outside a gas station and it seemed that the rumours were true as vehicle after vehicle just drove on past. Eventually someone pulled in the station to fuel his car and Marina approached him and asked if he could take us just outside the city which would better our chances. Luckily for us, he agreed and now we were back on track.

Very quickly after he dropped us off, a woman stopped and picked us up. Finally, someone who was heading to Aalborg! She too had done a lot of hitch-hiking and thus was compelled to pick us up. She dropped us off near the E45 motorway to Frederikshavn and it was starting to get dark now, which meant that our chances of getting a lift decreases further the sun sets. Rapists and murderers are like to commit their heinous crimes at night and for some reason (mass hysteria), people are afraid of hitch-hikers because of rare and isolated incidents which has tarred us all with the same brush.

Anyway, a woman offered to take us towards Frederikshavn, but it was another detour. She convinced us we had better chances of getting a lift at the location she had in mind, and wanting to feel warm again, we hastily jumped in. We were dropped off at another gas station and I opted to buy hot chocolate for myself and a cup of tea for Marina. It was now dark at this point. Very few cars were driving now and I doubted anyone would pick us up at this time. I was proven wrong though when a young man with a great moustache and his mother told us to get in. They weren't going to Frederkshavn but said they could drop us off at a village at a bus stop which we were fine with.

Once there, we called Gerda who told us to get on the bus to Frederikshavn and get a pedagogue to pick us up. She told me that I could also stay until Monday so that I could say goodbye to everybody which was nice to hear and of course I accepted. It wasn't much longer before we finally reached Frederikshavn and Lasse came and picked us up.

So for the next few days, I stayed at Nordjylland. It was good to spend a little more time with the students and pedagogues there. I still helped out with some chores, cooking, cleaning, driving - the usual tasks that I would be required to do. I also baked a chocolate cake with Marina's help for us all, including Norden, which we all ate together. It was at this time I thought, did I really do a bad job here? Did I really not connect with anyone except from one student? It's hard to believe this when some of the students approach me and tell me that they're sad to see me go and want to keep in contact. 

During this time, I told Marina everything I know and what she should expect from this work. I helped her settle in and introduced her to everyone. On Monday, I went over to the school with her so that I could say goodbye to the teachers and students there. During tea and coffee, Lars stood up and gave a brief speech saying he's sad to see me go and presented me a gift from everyone - a nice, warm jacket - then I too gave a little speech saying that I had enjoyed my work experience there, I found them all a pleasure to work with and wished I had done more. I thanked them for the opportunity and told them I'll miss them all and farewell.

It was also nice spending time with Marina. I grew quite fond of her over the past several days and during a time when I should be freaking out, she kept me smiling and my spirits high. I just wished I could stay like that.

  

Wake Me Up When December Ends

I was bored and wrote a tongue in cheek anti-Christmas song today. Those who know Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day will know how the tune goes.

Here comes that time of year again
Stress induced month of consumerism
Wake me up when December ends

Buy, buy then buy some more
Being spoilt brats from the age of four
Wake me up when December ends

Consumers go forth to many shops
Be quick before they go out of stock
The more expensive a gift is
The bigger a smile upon your child's face
Happiness is measured by the things you own
To be replaced next year when they are old
Wake me up when December ends

Jingle those bells again
Decorated houses since November began
Wake me up when December ends

Greedily stuff your face with sweets
Complain you're putting on weight then have another treat
Wake me up when December ends

Here comes some snow again
Falling from the sky
Hearing Christmas songs playing non stop
It's fucking cold and my ears bleed all the time
Sod all of your festivities
I'm neither pagan nor a christian
Wake me up when December ends

No glass of wines nor roast dinner for me
I can't see my friends and family
Wake Me up when December ends

I'm a lonely and a bitter man
Nowhere to go, I have no home
Wake me up when December ends

Everybody's with their family
Decorating their Christmas tree
Sitting around their fireplace
Together oh so merrily
But no not me, alone and wanting to see
Sun kissed sweethearts in their bikini
Wake me up when December ends
Wake me up when December ends
Wake me up when December ends

Merry sodding Christmas!

A Song of Solipsism

I once genuinely believed that nothing was real apart from me; everything was a figment of my imagination and reality was projected from my cortex, via super computers on board some alien mothership where my true self is. My current body was nothing but a vessel for my consciousness as it plays "Terry Desmond Donaldson: The Simulation Game". Thus I used to jokingly think of people as A.Is. I no longer think these childish and egotistical notions now, but I was thinking about it the other day and consequently started reading up about solipsism. It's an interesting philosophical theory that only ones mind is sure to exist; I can't proof that your mind exists nor can I proof to you that mine does, but we can analogue experiences and empathise which is an inference that you too have a consciousness. Before I rabble on too much, here's a song/poem I have started writing:

I think, therefore I exist
I can't think for others, so therefore they do not

I'm aware only of my own mind
My consciousness exists through space and time
Reality and this world will end in my death
Then if I am my own god,
Am I accountable for all the bloodshed?
My thoughts, my dreams, my ideas, my experiences are my own
My illness, my internal conflicts I suffer alone
I will die alone

I will awake with a cortical shunt plug in the back of my head
Nothing has been real - just a reality created from my cerebral cortex
Then would this new reality be real?
Or another figment of my imagination?
Reality and dreams entwined as time stands still
False awakenings ad infinitum
Only my consciousness to me is known
Existing alone

Then everything I have endured in this world would have been for nothing
But the fact I have felt loved should account for something
Thoughts, dreams, ideas and experiences are shared
We suffer through ilness's and conflicts together because we care
Compassion can be seen and felt
Through acts of kindness, graciousness, aid and help
Tears run down the cheeks of every boy and girl
Because of the horrors and sadness commited in this world
Through empathy I know these things are real
I reject solipsism
It's nothing but arrogant egocentricism

When my heart collapses
Earth will still be spinning on its axis
For when I finally die
There will still be day and night
My consciousness may not exist anymore
But there will still be peace and war
I'll be nothing but ashes blown across the ground
Whilst people will still be rushing around
Some will wallow in sadness and misery
Then they, and the rest, will continue to create Earth's history

Presently, it's still a work in progress and I'll probably edit it from time to time. 

The DNS Program

During our study weekend in November, we said farewell to our teammate, Milan, and we also learned more about the DNS program and what we'll be doing - which we ourselves had to research, work together and present. So I'm going to write an article summarising what I learnt (More like trying to recall what was presented. What kind of potential teacher doesn't take notes?), for those who are curious and wanting to know about what this program entails exactly.

Economy

I've touched upon this before in a previous post, but nevertheless I'll mention it again as it's an important core of the DNS program. Our team has our own economy separate from the school's. Save for our monthly 300dkk pocket money, the money we earn from our saving up period is put into the team economy and is shared amongst us evenly through monthly budgets. We have different monthly budgets that covers our transport, food, accommodation etc, as well as the program itself. For instance, next year, some of the money we earn will go towards purchasing buses for our trip to Africa. We have, so far, two economists on our team - Mykolas J who keeps track of our income and Ausrine who keeps a record of our expenses; we have to make sure to keep any receipts and produce them to Ausrine. The economy will remain like this for the duration of the next four years.

Saving up

This is the period that I'm currently in and will end in September 2015 when we start preparing our trip to Africa. We have saving up periods for a few months every year and as the name suggests, it's a period of time where we find a job, work and earn money for our team economy. Where we work and what we do is up to us, and it doesn't matter if we all don't earn the same amount as together we are responsible for collecting the funds and spending it in accordance with the programme; we all have the same budgets. Those who are regular readers of my blog posts may know that I am currently working at a school in order to earn money for my team.

Africa Preparations

Starting from September 2015, our preparations for the trip to Africa will be underway. It's during this time that we'll be: planning an itinerary, studying African cultures and traditions and the continent itself, looking into what we want to investigate whilst we are there and how we want to bring it to the public, learning Portuguese, purchasing buses, converting them into "homes" and learning how to repair them, and getting our visas and vaccinations. A lot of these preparations we can do prior to date we start, such as learning Portuguese for example. After two months of preparations, we'll then be heading to Africa.

Fighting With the Poor

When people usually think of somebody that is poor, they probably imagine somebody that is impoverished, homeless and without a penny to their name; somebody that struggles to survive by begging or they may think of those African children suffering on the tv adverts. Of course, it's certainly correct to say that such people are poor, but we debated whether uneducated people are also poor and whether those with mental disabilities are poor. One definition of the word poor describes a pitiable person - someone that deserves our pity and perhaps help. During the presentation, I think we all had mixed feelings on what makes somebody poor. In any case, we need to be empathetic with those we deem poor in order to fight with them to make changes/improvements in their lives and their communities.

Bringing "It" to the Public

This is what I had to present to the team along with Honza and Amy, and it was a struggle to find out what "IT" exactly is, as the different students we askef from other teams had different ideas on what "IT" is. Some answered that it is the "experience and the ideas" and one vaguely answered that it is the "problems". After much thinking and debating, we concluded that whatever "IT" is, it should be something that we find appropriate and important to share with anybody that we can reach out to. Whatever message we want to bring to the public is something we'll (hopefully) agree on before we start our investigations in Africa. Hopefully, we'll present a different angle about Africa - something that's new and unknown to the mass public; perhaps we'll uncover important information that is otherwise being buried under an abundance of donation adverts. I hope we'll do something mind blowing, eye opening, thought provoking and informative enough that we can raise consciousness and convince people to be more compassionate towards their fellow human beings.

European Field of Practice

During our second year, we'll choose and agree (a tedious and difficult task to carry out so I hear) upon a destination in Europe to live, work and study for 6 months. We'll be trying to balance a life of cultural understanding, work, studies and engaging with local people and carrying out investigations - much like what our trip to Africa will entail I guess. Although this time, obviously, we'll be learning about and understanding society in Europe and the problems people here face.

Studies

Throughout the DNS program, the majority of our time will be spent studying of course! There are many topics that the DNS program covers and some of the ones I recall (perhaps I'll edit it in due time to put down a full list. I really should take notes!) are: global politics, art, philosophy, history, languages, natural sciences and pedagogy. There'll be exams throughout the years too. Also there is a point system in which we get points for every essay we write, for every presentation we do, investigations we carry out etc, and we need to accumulate these points and get a certain amount (I think 5400?), before we pass and earn our bachelor degree.

So that's about the gist of this program. Our presentations were more thorough, but this was just to give the curious reader a summary. Soon, hopefully, I'll be able to add our 10 second videos that introduce each key area.

If this article piques your interest and you want to find out more, then visit the DNS website. We're still wanting people to join our 2015 team in September by the way, so if this is something that you may want to be apart of and experience, then get in touch and attend a prep weekend. Or feel free to drop by and say hi!