Man, it's been some time since I have typed anything on this blog. My reason is simply timing; I wanted closure on my future at Tvind and its DNS course and now that I have it, I can finally close this chapter of my life. Just to note: this is all purely from my perspective (duh), and so expect it to be quite biased. I did try and be as objective as possible in my previous blog post, but it's bloody hard to be. Trust me. It's a fairly long read, so grab a cup of tea or whatever your favourite choice of beverage is.
Speaking of my previous blog post, I said I would elaborate on "other factors" regarding the decision to let me go. I stand to be corrected here, but I think my time spent at Tvind over Christmas had a lot to do with the decision. For the most part, I was fine. A few of my teammates were also at Tvind (two of them had to work and take care of those with special needs), and another was also just there to visit over the christmas period. We spent a considerable amount of time together; we played games, had many teas, sat around and conversed, cooked and ate together. I also helped out by driving us to the shops and also driving us to a nearby town for a little outing. Again, for the most it was pleasant bar one or two days.
It shouldn't really come as a surprise, but as it was Christmas time and I was far away from friends and family and so I felt a bit depressed; I missed them. Shoot me, I'm human. One day, I didn't particularly feel like socialising (my way of dealing with my problems, unfortunately), so stayed in my room all morning, although a teammate did drop by and played a videogame with me for a while so I wasn't that bad. I also decided to go and explore the vicinity of tvind as it's surrounded by a lovely forestry area which looked stunning in the snow; I took my ukulele and camera and had some quality alone time in the tranquility of nature. Oh! How concerning! I suppose I should have informed my teammates of what I was up to to to avoid any unnecessary worry. I think it was that evening when we were playing some games with a few students from PTG and I felt tired and thus didn't speak much (a common symptom of tiredness I'm sure you'll agree), and went to bed early - much to everybody's worry.
So that was the more pleasant days, but there is one other thing which almost skipped my mind: I agreed to look after a student over christmas. Certainly, in hindsight it was a rushed decision and I took no time to think about what I was getting myself in to. I'm much like a fucking "yes man", I swear. The first time I met this student, he actually seemed quite, how can I put this, "normal" I guess? You knew something was up with him, but, initially, he actually seemed harmless enough. But very quickly, I found him to be extremely exasperating and quite dangerous! He had extremely distressed one student by talking about "gangster shit" to her which resulted him in being banned from entering her house again. He had got in to a fight with another student and, unsurprisingly, they all took a dislike to him. I also found out he had purposely put himself in prison (attempting shop burglary if I recall correctly?), prior to coming to Tvind as he was paranoid about being chased by gangsters. He also frequently talked about large scale drug deals and killing people. In case it isn't obvious, he suffers from paranoid schizophrenia.
Now my dear reader, I hope you'll agree that I am in no way cut out to look after such an individual. In fact, no student there would be - professionally speaking. My team mate who was also tasked with taking care of him reacted to the student inappropriately one time which almost resulted in a fight between the two in a students house! In my opinion, the student needs professional help rather than being put under the care of inexperienced and unqualified students. In the real world, this would not happen. People spend many years learning about such conditions and how to deal with individuals that have them - not just get lumbered with them and say, "Here, take care of this troubled person for us!" It was my fault for agreeing to do it in the first place, but just to reiterate, I had no idea what I was getting myself in to. It had only became apparent during the course of the next few days.
By time it was drawing nearer to me and my team mate to go with this student to another location and take care of him, I felt it was too late to do a u-turn on my agreement. By now, plans were in action and many were depending on me and I guess I didn't want to let people down, much to my own mental distress. In hindsight, I should have just been vocal about my reluctance to take care of this student and my reasons for being so. But I didn't. Instead, I kept my reluctance bottled up and it ate away at me. That's when a certain individual that I'll call Lady J came in (who is quite pivotal to this story you'll find out. I'm convinced many decisions were made thanks to her. I stand to be corrected though).
She was in charge of the plans surrounding us and the student and called to meet with us. I wasn't feeling particularly good - both physically and mentally - and didn't look it either. I was tired and still feeling glum about not spending the festive period with loved ones as well as dreading spending time with this student. Lady J could tell I didn't want to go and that's when I finally admitted it. I was in the room with her for a whole few minutes before I was dismissed - just bear this in mind. I think it was then I planned to head back to Nordjylland. I spent one more evening at Tvind and told my team mates I'd be heading back to my placement. The following morning, I did go to say goodbye to them, but saw the curtains were still drawn and so opted to not disturb the girls - again, much to their worry.
So, that was how I spent my christmas. Joyful, eh? I'll admit, perhaps if I had been honest about my feelings, there wouldn't have been much issue. Hindsight is a fine thing, eh? So make of it all what you will. It was over 8 months ago now, so perhaps my memory is a wee bit hazy, but that's how I recall the events that took place. If any of my team mates and teacher read this, I hope you get a somewhat better understanding on what went on. Also, feel free to have your input. I'm all for open discussion and transparency. Anyway, it doesn't end here. And oh, things may have changed since my departure, but the aforementioned student I talked about was in the process of being moved elsewhere - a place where he could be looked after by professionals as he was deemed "too much".
It's now you may want to finish reading the rest of my previous blog to bring you up to speed. Read it? Good. So I came back to Tvind with all of my belongings as well as worry for my future. What was I going to do? I had no money, no job lined up, no room to stay. I had sold a lot of my possessions prior to coming (which went towards my enrollment fee. What a fucking waste, huh?) and my family aren't in the best financial situation themselves. After I was told I was going to be disenrolled, it made me feel like shit. But there was some hope in the form of my team mates. We had bonded quite well and they too weren't happy with this decision that none of us had a say in, and they encouraged me to make a stand and convince the teachers council to let me stay. So I did.
I delayed things by pleading for a meeting between us all (which a certain member of the council seemed very reluctant about). During this time, as well as planning on what points we would put across and share our opinions on, well, me, I also offered to help out where I can (the winter concert was coming up so it was a busy period with a lot of work to be done). After all, I didn't want to freeload and I wanted to show how committed to the course I was. Thanks to my team mates, I felt rejuvenated and had some willpower instilled within me. Not only offering my labour, I also participated in playing sports (anyone who knows me well knows I hate most sports, although I did start to enjoy playing badminton and volleyball) and I refrained from being alone.
We had skype call with teammates who weren't in tvind and who also disagreed with the teachers council's decision. As the meeting drew near, it was then something absolutely ludicrous happened! Lady J had called to meet up with my teammates who worked at the villas. Now bear in mind I am only stating what my teammates told me shortly after this meeting. I wasn't there myself but I trust what they say is true - although I wish it wasn't. This meeting that lady J called was specifically to slander me it turned out. She went on a hysterical tirade about how I was a danger to the students and I should be kept away from them and the villas at all cost, and then she went on some damn right absurd paranoid rambling about me maliciously dividing and manipulating my teammates turn them against the teachers council! Seriously! And I'm the fucking crazy one, apparently! She also said she wanted me gone and was sick of me hanging around wanting meetings when they had already made up their minds. As I said, it sounds unbelievable but all three of my teammates that witnessed this slander were so shocked by her statements I could see it on their faces. It was true all right. As I said earlier, I had only spent a few minutes with this woman and this is what she deduced about me? In a moment of weakness and feeling glum, she has concluded that I am a malicious sociopathic human being. Thankfully, Tvind is a place made up of people whose philosophy is to "question everything". Oh.
At this point, I felt our stand was going to be futile. Lady J was evidently pissed off about this upcoming meeting and another member of the council sighed when I told her I wanted one with my teammates present. I knew deep down I was delaying the inevitable. Lady J is in a position high up on the hierarchy where she probably has a say in a lot of decisions (and if so, it's quite scary isn't it?). But my teammates were really determined to try and convince them there's nowt wrong with me and I could meet their "demands" and "standards" if they just give me the time to show them and improve. I should note that my teacher was away when all this was going on so I have no idea what he thought about of all this or if he even knew about what was going on. I'll just say he seemed unusually callous when he and a council member told me I had to leave. 'Tis a shame really.
So it was time for the meeting. All of my teammates that were present at Tvind came along for this showdown. I remember feeling extremely nervous and rightly so as I was going to have to convince them to let me stay while simultaneously getting my ego and personality a good scrutinising. It was a gruelling meeting as you might imagine. Emotions were running sky high and we put across points we had carefully thought about (practically similar to what I've wrote on this blog post and my previous post too), only for the council members to counter that I was not going to be able to meet the strenuous demands of the course. None of these members got to know me personally (in fact, this was probably the longest I had ever spoken to any of them); any information they have received about me is all second or third hand and, if Lady J has had anything to do with their decisions, just outright lies!
I remember one of them raising her voice at me when I disagreed with something that my previous boss had told them over a skype call. "Don't bring in somebody who isn't here to defend herself!" she snapped at me. Double standards at play here, surely? Oh, people can talk about me behind my back; discuss my behavior, what I have or haven't done wrong and whatnot without me being present to defend myself, but she'll be damned if I dare to disagree with what was said. Oh! How audacious of me! Her reasoning was that she would rather believe the words of a long time friend than me. Thank fuck she isn't a detective, eh?! So that was quickly nipped in the bud.
The meeting didn't end conclusively which was actually a surprise. I thought there and then they would have told me that I had to leave, but thankfully, they wanted to mull it over and discuss my situation with other members and even TG? Not sure.
So it gave me some more time to spend with my teammates as well as grafting hard to show my commitment. The inevitable was still being delayed I felt. I knew what the outcome was going to be and I think my teammates knew too, but we got to have some fun anyway and it made everyone think about what it really means to be a tvind student and whether there is any truth to the controversies and criticism that surrounds the place. Yeah, it got us all thinking all right. Students of past and present talk about hypocrisies (namely the "frames"), the transparency of the economy and whether or not we are used as cheap/free labour for profit...anyway, I digress.
Eventually, a second meeting was called that would be the one to conclude this "annoyance" I imagine Lady J to call me and this situation. And so it was concluded that I was not going to meet the demands of the DNS course yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, same shit said just in a different room by different people. Apparently, it took them a few days to come up with this conclusion. They could have nipped this annoyance in the bud with the aforementioned meeting to be honest. I knew it was coming. So their conclusion broke me. I don't think I had it in me to argue anymore. I gave up. If you're confused as to why they made this decision, then join the club. I'm to this day still completely perplexed with my treatment.
I did ask if I could at least stay for the winter concert that I was helping to set up. "No," one of them callously replied. They wanted me gone and they wanted me out pronto. I left the room teary eyed as did some of my teammates. We sat outside for some time. First in silence and then they started voicing their discontent, but it didn't matter. None of our opinions mattered. Only the teachers council do. Tears were shed and we shared hugs. Ami gave me her friendship bracelet that she made which I still cherish.
A flight was booked for me and I was given, a courtesy lift to the airport and £50 to help me get by. How thoughtful. But still, I was grateful as it would pay for some food and the bus fare home so I wouldn't have to hitch-hike late at night. My teammates and teacher gave me plenty of hugs and waved me off and that will be the last I see of that windmill.
So...7 months later give or take and here I am, still in Blighty. I haven't enjoyed being back if I'm completely honest. Last year, I had anticipated four years of: adventure, travel, studying, enlightenment, new friendships, work, education, humanitarian work and personal growth and development. I wanted the DNS course to be an opportunity for the humanist in me to shine through. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be a teacher or not (certainly not a conventional one anyway!), I just wanted an unconventional education and I yearned for a good experience if nothing else. Now, I'm just back to slaving away for money. The rat race sure is fucking perpetual! During my time back, I was still passionate about returning; I was wanting to finish what I started and prove those pen pushers wrong, but more importantly, return because I still believed the course was good for me. That's changed now, however...
I kept in contact with some of my former teammates. They still wanted to help and they too still wanted me back. They gave me some good advice and I took heed. I visited my GP who gave me some anti-depressants (have a problem? have a pill), I got myself an enjoyable job, I went out regularly and took up more hobbies. After a few months, I decided to message my former teacher about whether I still have a future at Tvind or not (probably something we should have done before my departure, but, oh well). Still to this day, he hasn't replied. It was that lack of communication that made me think if it was really worth pursuing a future at Tvind.
My yearn for returning starting fizzling out and I didn't converse with my former teammates as much as I used to. Got to move on I guess. It's been some time now since all that fiasco. Last month, I did once again ponder whether I'd return or not. The cons were now outweighing the pros now I felt, but still, there was a little spark within me that was yearning for me to go back or at the very least, finally get some closure. I mean, I have spent money and time at that place, the least somebody, anybody there can do is give me the common courtesy of replying to me. So I sent an email last month (not sure who it goes to, but figure it'd at least get forwarded to someone who can handle this situation. It seemed my teacher wasn't going to bother with me anymore and I hate being shunned like that, especially when I was told I could come back once I "worked out my issues" - whatever that means? Who gets to decide exactly whether I've worked them out or not? Who decides if me feeling glum is an issue in the first place? Why doesn't the bloody council members speak to me like a human being and ask me these things?), hoping I could finally get some closure. I'll just go ahead and print screen my initial email, the response and my reply:
That was last month and now, finally, last night after I was out for a few drinks, I came home to this heartfelt (I'm sure you'll agree) elaborative reply.
Nach, I was a bit pissy (and pissed!) in my response, I'll admit. After all this time with no communication, this is the what they deduce? That I still wouldn't be able to live up to their demands. I wonder what was thoroughly discussed in this meeting? Hmm....
"Oh, that British man, erm, Terry wants to come back."
"Oh yeah? Well, what has he been up to? Has anybody spoken with him recently? Kept in contact or anything?"
"Nope."
"Well, let's se..." council member gets cut off by Lady J
"He's a psychopath and he is not welcome back!"
"OK. I see no reason to dispute this. Is there somebody who can be arsed to let him know he can't join the 2016 team?"
There's a long silence. Most are busy checking their phones or pretending to anyway. Perhaps one kind soul takes a plunge and dares question the slander, I mean truth.
"Well, surely we can ask him to visit us in the near future and talk with him in person and assess him? I mean, aren't we just jumping to conclusions if we don't at least communicate with him? We could even stalk him on Facebook or something? I dunno, we can't just..." kind soul gets silenced with a bullet in the head.
"So, is there anybody who is going to make the man feel like he is not welcome back or not?
"OK, OK, OK. Fine, I'll do it then. Heh, the poor sucker might get silly hopeful notions of coming back if not and won't leave us alone. Somebody remind me to do it though. I'm going to be busy sitting around on my arse clicking my pen." And then a few weeks roll by
"Oh, did you send that, whatshisname an email? The British man?"
"Shit. No. I suppose I'll quickly send him one now before dinner."
"Well, do hurry otherwise we won't get our favourite seat in the canteen!"
(This is all just tongue-in-cheek. I'm sure they had a thorough discussion all right - it clearly shows in her email to me)
So sod trying to convince them otherwise now. I'm done. Baffled by it all? Yeah me too. Feel free to read my blogs from the very beginning and tell me where I went wrong. I have documented almost everything during my time within the DNS course, so perhaps someone can elaborate and present me with something clearer other than, "you do not meet our demands". Of course, there has been times where I have found work demanding (which I've already wrote about in previous posts), but so what? Ah, that reminds me...
I neglected to mention, that I haven't been the only one internal struggles on the course. During my time, some teammates also had to change jobs due to stress and being, I guess, incapable. What do they expect? They're throwing inexperienced students into the deep end hoping they just fucking swim. Of course issues will occur. I was told during the prep weekend that they thrive on issues and challenges. Well, I beg to differ. Anyway, even students from other teams have suffered under pressure and caved in to demands, yet are still on the course. Call me paranoid, but it seems there's another reason that is unbeknownst to me. Why am I being alienated here and not others who I'd argue are at least equally stressed as I was? Those who equally struggled and had issues? Yeah, maybe someone has it in for me. Honestly, fuck if I know. There's no point dwelling upon it anymore. My fate there has been decided. Much like I'm told god moves in mysterious ways, so too do the teachers council at Tvind.
No doubt I'll get called a disgruntled former student hence my negative feelings of the place and they'll tell people not to read this/don't take it seriously much like any other stories or criticism of the place. For the record, I enjoyed most of my time there. I did learn new things and I felt I did develop myself. It was genuinely a pleasure to meet many like-minded students from all across the globe who share a dream to better the world; to empower people to make drastic changes to counter poverty and capitalism. I got to do things I probably would never have tried and my nerves were pushed to the limit when I stood in front of a couple of hundred people (give-or-take) to read a poem I wrote during a concert. I had many laughs, as well as many problems and challenges to deal with; there were many happy times and sad times that shaped up my whole experience there. I met some of the friendliest, caring and thoughtful people during my time there. So yeah, I enjoyed it overall.
It's unfortunate that my whole experience was short lived and it is overshadowed by events during my last month which is what these last two blog entries have focused on. It's a shame the place is, I feel, ran by corrupted people who are no better than the people they claim to be against. If they want to change the world, then I feel that they themselves and the system they have in place needs to change first.
So that's it. 'Tis the end of that chapter in my life. I would have loved for have things to work out differently or at least ended on a better note, but shit happened. As for my future, well, I'm still a humanist and I will contribute something to the world. For now, there's a community of anarchists that I have been in touch with and am considering staying with for a while or I'll set out to travel for sometime - just to mull things over and decide what my next goal in life is. Time for another fresh start and clean slate.
Speaking of my previous blog post, I said I would elaborate on "other factors" regarding the decision to let me go. I stand to be corrected here, but I think my time spent at Tvind over Christmas had a lot to do with the decision. For the most part, I was fine. A few of my teammates were also at Tvind (two of them had to work and take care of those with special needs), and another was also just there to visit over the christmas period. We spent a considerable amount of time together; we played games, had many teas, sat around and conversed, cooked and ate together. I also helped out by driving us to the shops and also driving us to a nearby town for a little outing. Again, for the most it was pleasant bar one or two days.
It shouldn't really come as a surprise, but as it was Christmas time and I was far away from friends and family and so I felt a bit depressed; I missed them. Shoot me, I'm human. One day, I didn't particularly feel like socialising (my way of dealing with my problems, unfortunately), so stayed in my room all morning, although a teammate did drop by and played a videogame with me for a while so I wasn't that bad. I also decided to go and explore the vicinity of tvind as it's surrounded by a lovely forestry area which looked stunning in the snow; I took my ukulele and camera and had some quality alone time in the tranquility of nature. Oh! How concerning! I suppose I should have informed my teammates of what I was up to to to avoid any unnecessary worry. I think it was that evening when we were playing some games with a few students from PTG and I felt tired and thus didn't speak much (a common symptom of tiredness I'm sure you'll agree), and went to bed early - much to everybody's worry.
So that was the more pleasant days, but there is one other thing which almost skipped my mind: I agreed to look after a student over christmas. Certainly, in hindsight it was a rushed decision and I took no time to think about what I was getting myself in to. I'm much like a fucking "yes man", I swear. The first time I met this student, he actually seemed quite, how can I put this, "normal" I guess? You knew something was up with him, but, initially, he actually seemed harmless enough. But very quickly, I found him to be extremely exasperating and quite dangerous! He had extremely distressed one student by talking about "gangster shit" to her which resulted him in being banned from entering her house again. He had got in to a fight with another student and, unsurprisingly, they all took a dislike to him. I also found out he had purposely put himself in prison (attempting shop burglary if I recall correctly?), prior to coming to Tvind as he was paranoid about being chased by gangsters. He also frequently talked about large scale drug deals and killing people. In case it isn't obvious, he suffers from paranoid schizophrenia.
Now my dear reader, I hope you'll agree that I am in no way cut out to look after such an individual. In fact, no student there would be - professionally speaking. My team mate who was also tasked with taking care of him reacted to the student inappropriately one time which almost resulted in a fight between the two in a students house! In my opinion, the student needs professional help rather than being put under the care of inexperienced and unqualified students. In the real world, this would not happen. People spend many years learning about such conditions and how to deal with individuals that have them - not just get lumbered with them and say, "Here, take care of this troubled person for us!" It was my fault for agreeing to do it in the first place, but just to reiterate, I had no idea what I was getting myself in to. It had only became apparent during the course of the next few days.
By time it was drawing nearer to me and my team mate to go with this student to another location and take care of him, I felt it was too late to do a u-turn on my agreement. By now, plans were in action and many were depending on me and I guess I didn't want to let people down, much to my own mental distress. In hindsight, I should have just been vocal about my reluctance to take care of this student and my reasons for being so. But I didn't. Instead, I kept my reluctance bottled up and it ate away at me. That's when a certain individual that I'll call Lady J came in (who is quite pivotal to this story you'll find out. I'm convinced many decisions were made thanks to her. I stand to be corrected though).
She was in charge of the plans surrounding us and the student and called to meet with us. I wasn't feeling particularly good - both physically and mentally - and didn't look it either. I was tired and still feeling glum about not spending the festive period with loved ones as well as dreading spending time with this student. Lady J could tell I didn't want to go and that's when I finally admitted it. I was in the room with her for a whole few minutes before I was dismissed - just bear this in mind. I think it was then I planned to head back to Nordjylland. I spent one more evening at Tvind and told my team mates I'd be heading back to my placement. The following morning, I did go to say goodbye to them, but saw the curtains were still drawn and so opted to not disturb the girls - again, much to their worry.
So, that was how I spent my christmas. Joyful, eh? I'll admit, perhaps if I had been honest about my feelings, there wouldn't have been much issue. Hindsight is a fine thing, eh? So make of it all what you will. It was over 8 months ago now, so perhaps my memory is a wee bit hazy, but that's how I recall the events that took place. If any of my team mates and teacher read this, I hope you get a somewhat better understanding on what went on. Also, feel free to have your input. I'm all for open discussion and transparency. Anyway, it doesn't end here. And oh, things may have changed since my departure, but the aforementioned student I talked about was in the process of being moved elsewhere - a place where he could be looked after by professionals as he was deemed "too much".
It's now you may want to finish reading the rest of my previous blog to bring you up to speed. Read it? Good. So I came back to Tvind with all of my belongings as well as worry for my future. What was I going to do? I had no money, no job lined up, no room to stay. I had sold a lot of my possessions prior to coming (which went towards my enrollment fee. What a fucking waste, huh?) and my family aren't in the best financial situation themselves. After I was told I was going to be disenrolled, it made me feel like shit. But there was some hope in the form of my team mates. We had bonded quite well and they too weren't happy with this decision that none of us had a say in, and they encouraged me to make a stand and convince the teachers council to let me stay. So I did.
I delayed things by pleading for a meeting between us all (which a certain member of the council seemed very reluctant about). During this time, as well as planning on what points we would put across and share our opinions on, well, me, I also offered to help out where I can (the winter concert was coming up so it was a busy period with a lot of work to be done). After all, I didn't want to freeload and I wanted to show how committed to the course I was. Thanks to my team mates, I felt rejuvenated and had some willpower instilled within me. Not only offering my labour, I also participated in playing sports (anyone who knows me well knows I hate most sports, although I did start to enjoy playing badminton and volleyball) and I refrained from being alone.
We had skype call with teammates who weren't in tvind and who also disagreed with the teachers council's decision. As the meeting drew near, it was then something absolutely ludicrous happened! Lady J had called to meet up with my teammates who worked at the villas. Now bear in mind I am only stating what my teammates told me shortly after this meeting. I wasn't there myself but I trust what they say is true - although I wish it wasn't. This meeting that lady J called was specifically to slander me it turned out. She went on a hysterical tirade about how I was a danger to the students and I should be kept away from them and the villas at all cost, and then she went on some damn right absurd paranoid rambling about me maliciously dividing and manipulating my teammates turn them against the teachers council! Seriously! And I'm the fucking crazy one, apparently! She also said she wanted me gone and was sick of me hanging around wanting meetings when they had already made up their minds. As I said, it sounds unbelievable but all three of my teammates that witnessed this slander were so shocked by her statements I could see it on their faces. It was true all right. As I said earlier, I had only spent a few minutes with this woman and this is what she deduced about me? In a moment of weakness and feeling glum, she has concluded that I am a malicious sociopathic human being. Thankfully, Tvind is a place made up of people whose philosophy is to "question everything". Oh.
At this point, I felt our stand was going to be futile. Lady J was evidently pissed off about this upcoming meeting and another member of the council sighed when I told her I wanted one with my teammates present. I knew deep down I was delaying the inevitable. Lady J is in a position high up on the hierarchy where she probably has a say in a lot of decisions (and if so, it's quite scary isn't it?). But my teammates were really determined to try and convince them there's nowt wrong with me and I could meet their "demands" and "standards" if they just give me the time to show them and improve. I should note that my teacher was away when all this was going on so I have no idea what he thought about of all this or if he even knew about what was going on. I'll just say he seemed unusually callous when he and a council member told me I had to leave. 'Tis a shame really.
So it was time for the meeting. All of my teammates that were present at Tvind came along for this showdown. I remember feeling extremely nervous and rightly so as I was going to have to convince them to let me stay while simultaneously getting my ego and personality a good scrutinising. It was a gruelling meeting as you might imagine. Emotions were running sky high and we put across points we had carefully thought about (practically similar to what I've wrote on this blog post and my previous post too), only for the council members to counter that I was not going to be able to meet the strenuous demands of the course. None of these members got to know me personally (in fact, this was probably the longest I had ever spoken to any of them); any information they have received about me is all second or third hand and, if Lady J has had anything to do with their decisions, just outright lies!
I remember one of them raising her voice at me when I disagreed with something that my previous boss had told them over a skype call. "Don't bring in somebody who isn't here to defend herself!" she snapped at me. Double standards at play here, surely? Oh, people can talk about me behind my back; discuss my behavior, what I have or haven't done wrong and whatnot without me being present to defend myself, but she'll be damned if I dare to disagree with what was said. Oh! How audacious of me! Her reasoning was that she would rather believe the words of a long time friend than me. Thank fuck she isn't a detective, eh?! So that was quickly nipped in the bud.
The meeting didn't end conclusively which was actually a surprise. I thought there and then they would have told me that I had to leave, but thankfully, they wanted to mull it over and discuss my situation with other members and even TG? Not sure.
So it gave me some more time to spend with my teammates as well as grafting hard to show my commitment. The inevitable was still being delayed I felt. I knew what the outcome was going to be and I think my teammates knew too, but we got to have some fun anyway and it made everyone think about what it really means to be a tvind student and whether there is any truth to the controversies and criticism that surrounds the place. Yeah, it got us all thinking all right. Students of past and present talk about hypocrisies (namely the "frames"), the transparency of the economy and whether or not we are used as cheap/free labour for profit...anyway, I digress.
Eventually, a second meeting was called that would be the one to conclude this "annoyance" I imagine Lady J to call me and this situation. And so it was concluded that I was not going to meet the demands of the DNS course yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, same shit said just in a different room by different people. Apparently, it took them a few days to come up with this conclusion. They could have nipped this annoyance in the bud with the aforementioned meeting to be honest. I knew it was coming. So their conclusion broke me. I don't think I had it in me to argue anymore. I gave up. If you're confused as to why they made this decision, then join the club. I'm to this day still completely perplexed with my treatment.
I did ask if I could at least stay for the winter concert that I was helping to set up. "No," one of them callously replied. They wanted me gone and they wanted me out pronto. I left the room teary eyed as did some of my teammates. We sat outside for some time. First in silence and then they started voicing their discontent, but it didn't matter. None of our opinions mattered. Only the teachers council do. Tears were shed and we shared hugs. Ami gave me her friendship bracelet that she made which I still cherish.
A flight was booked for me and I was given, a courtesy lift to the airport and £50 to help me get by. How thoughtful. But still, I was grateful as it would pay for some food and the bus fare home so I wouldn't have to hitch-hike late at night. My teammates and teacher gave me plenty of hugs and waved me off and that will be the last I see of that windmill.
So...7 months later give or take and here I am, still in Blighty. I haven't enjoyed being back if I'm completely honest. Last year, I had anticipated four years of: adventure, travel, studying, enlightenment, new friendships, work, education, humanitarian work and personal growth and development. I wanted the DNS course to be an opportunity for the humanist in me to shine through. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be a teacher or not (certainly not a conventional one anyway!), I just wanted an unconventional education and I yearned for a good experience if nothing else. Now, I'm just back to slaving away for money. The rat race sure is fucking perpetual! During my time back, I was still passionate about returning; I was wanting to finish what I started and prove those pen pushers wrong, but more importantly, return because I still believed the course was good for me. That's changed now, however...
I kept in contact with some of my former teammates. They still wanted to help and they too still wanted me back. They gave me some good advice and I took heed. I visited my GP who gave me some anti-depressants (have a problem? have a pill), I got myself an enjoyable job, I went out regularly and took up more hobbies. After a few months, I decided to message my former teacher about whether I still have a future at Tvind or not (probably something we should have done before my departure, but, oh well). Still to this day, he hasn't replied. It was that lack of communication that made me think if it was really worth pursuing a future at Tvind.
My yearn for returning starting fizzling out and I didn't converse with my former teammates as much as I used to. Got to move on I guess. It's been some time now since all that fiasco. Last month, I did once again ponder whether I'd return or not. The cons were now outweighing the pros now I felt, but still, there was a little spark within me that was yearning for me to go back or at the very least, finally get some closure. I mean, I have spent money and time at that place, the least somebody, anybody there can do is give me the common courtesy of replying to me. So I sent an email last month (not sure who it goes to, but figure it'd at least get forwarded to someone who can handle this situation. It seemed my teacher wasn't going to bother with me anymore and I hate being shunned like that, especially when I was told I could come back once I "worked out my issues" - whatever that means? Who gets to decide exactly whether I've worked them out or not? Who decides if me feeling glum is an issue in the first place? Why doesn't the bloody council members speak to me like a human being and ask me these things?), hoping I could finally get some closure. I'll just go ahead and print screen my initial email, the response and my reply:
Nach, I was a bit pissy (and pissed!) in my response, I'll admit. After all this time with no communication, this is the what they deduce? That I still wouldn't be able to live up to their demands. I wonder what was thoroughly discussed in this meeting? Hmm....
"Oh, that British man, erm, Terry wants to come back."
"Oh yeah? Well, what has he been up to? Has anybody spoken with him recently? Kept in contact or anything?"
"Nope."
"Well, let's se..." council member gets cut off by Lady J
"He's a psychopath and he is not welcome back!"
"OK. I see no reason to dispute this. Is there somebody who can be arsed to let him know he can't join the 2016 team?"
There's a long silence. Most are busy checking their phones or pretending to anyway. Perhaps one kind soul takes a plunge and dares question the slander, I mean truth.
"Well, surely we can ask him to visit us in the near future and talk with him in person and assess him? I mean, aren't we just jumping to conclusions if we don't at least communicate with him? We could even stalk him on Facebook or something? I dunno, we can't just..." kind soul gets silenced with a bullet in the head.
"So, is there anybody who is going to make the man feel like he is not welcome back or not?
"OK, OK, OK. Fine, I'll do it then. Heh, the poor sucker might get silly hopeful notions of coming back if not and won't leave us alone. Somebody remind me to do it though. I'm going to be busy sitting around on my arse clicking my pen." And then a few weeks roll by
"Oh, did you send that, whatshisname an email? The British man?"
"Shit. No. I suppose I'll quickly send him one now before dinner."
"Well, do hurry otherwise we won't get our favourite seat in the canteen!"
(This is all just tongue-in-cheek. I'm sure they had a thorough discussion all right - it clearly shows in her email to me)
So sod trying to convince them otherwise now. I'm done. Baffled by it all? Yeah me too. Feel free to read my blogs from the very beginning and tell me where I went wrong. I have documented almost everything during my time within the DNS course, so perhaps someone can elaborate and present me with something clearer other than, "you do not meet our demands". Of course, there has been times where I have found work demanding (which I've already wrote about in previous posts), but so what? Ah, that reminds me...
I neglected to mention, that I haven't been the only one internal struggles on the course. During my time, some teammates also had to change jobs due to stress and being, I guess, incapable. What do they expect? They're throwing inexperienced students into the deep end hoping they just fucking swim. Of course issues will occur. I was told during the prep weekend that they thrive on issues and challenges. Well, I beg to differ. Anyway, even students from other teams have suffered under pressure and caved in to demands, yet are still on the course. Call me paranoid, but it seems there's another reason that is unbeknownst to me. Why am I being alienated here and not others who I'd argue are at least equally stressed as I was? Those who equally struggled and had issues? Yeah, maybe someone has it in for me. Honestly, fuck if I know. There's no point dwelling upon it anymore. My fate there has been decided. Much like I'm told god moves in mysterious ways, so too do the teachers council at Tvind.
No doubt I'll get called a disgruntled former student hence my negative feelings of the place and they'll tell people not to read this/don't take it seriously much like any other stories or criticism of the place. For the record, I enjoyed most of my time there. I did learn new things and I felt I did develop myself. It was genuinely a pleasure to meet many like-minded students from all across the globe who share a dream to better the world; to empower people to make drastic changes to counter poverty and capitalism. I got to do things I probably would never have tried and my nerves were pushed to the limit when I stood in front of a couple of hundred people (give-or-take) to read a poem I wrote during a concert. I had many laughs, as well as many problems and challenges to deal with; there were many happy times and sad times that shaped up my whole experience there. I met some of the friendliest, caring and thoughtful people during my time there. So yeah, I enjoyed it overall.
It's unfortunate that my whole experience was short lived and it is overshadowed by events during my last month which is what these last two blog entries have focused on. It's a shame the place is, I feel, ran by corrupted people who are no better than the people they claim to be against. If they want to change the world, then I feel that they themselves and the system they have in place needs to change first.
So that's it. 'Tis the end of that chapter in my life. I would have loved for have things to work out differently or at least ended on a better note, but shit happened. As for my future, well, I'm still a humanist and I will contribute something to the world. For now, there's a community of anarchists that I have been in touch with and am considering staying with for a while or I'll set out to travel for sometime - just to mull things over and decide what my next goal in life is. Time for another fresh start and clean slate.
No comments:
Post a Comment